People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
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i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement