Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
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date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*