an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
You Might Also Like
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Meme Monday.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Yup….perfect score!
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat