Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
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Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else