Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
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me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
WHY would you be happy about this?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.