WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
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HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
relationship goals
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.