The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
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waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon