If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
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the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*