My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
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*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.