You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
β€οΈπ§‘ππππβ€οΈπ§‘ππππ
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying βTime to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?β Do that twice a day.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for godβs sake, Milo, weβve got a pandemic on
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists βThe Art of Warβ as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesanβiβm very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
God: *twisting an owl* I canβt get this damn jar open
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because thatβs definitely more the type of apocalypse Iβve been training for
I told someone I was 30 and they said βthatβs okay.β
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
βYou canβt put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,β I blatantly lie to my son.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
iPhone X
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him βwho you gonna call?β and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isnβt getting one
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
