Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
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I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
asked my bf how work was today
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Investing in beetcoin
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.