When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
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One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
don’t we all
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday