Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
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A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Thinking outside the box.. 😅