The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
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I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
The news in a nutshell.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.