watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
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some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Discuss
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.