– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
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Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
how do y’all walk in shallow water
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.