When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
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A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.