If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
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I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.