$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
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If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.