Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
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I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Discuss
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.