Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
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boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Always a metermaid never a meter
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Why is everyone getting married at me
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder