[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
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“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark