[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
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Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?