How to shape your eyebrows
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Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office