I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
happy mother’s day❤️
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
o shit
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle