Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
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I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Sunday
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”