IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
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We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
My five year plan is a meteorite
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.