I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
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I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.