I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
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*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Goodnight 🐶
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.