Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
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The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
ready to be harvested