Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
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My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]