A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
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My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct