Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
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My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
My safe word is Worcestershire
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.