[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
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Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Rt to bother an English speaker
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
how to have an accident 101
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Can Happiness buy money?
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman: