I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
You Might Also Like
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…