Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?