[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
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Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
never compromise your values
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality