New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
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People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Ha
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.