I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
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Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I just ran a .003048K
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.