[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
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Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.