A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
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My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
The Struggle
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.