[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
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I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.