Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
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Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”