If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
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I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”