God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.