If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
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HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then