[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
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“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Why am I like this?
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish