Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
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I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Van Gone
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
concern
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.