Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
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I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
u spoke cat all this time??????
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose