You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
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I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
this is the best day of my life
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
yeah 😭
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird